After forty years of researching and studying intimate relationships and marriages, and working with couples, one of the things I have learned — and my clients learn — is that there is no single definition of what a marriage is supposed to look like. There is no "official" classification system, and given the number of cultures and languages in the world today — over 7,000 languages and between 3,800 and 7,000 distinct culture groups — it isn't surprising that there are multiple theories about what marriage is, and several models of what it can look like. This article is not intended to be conclusive or exhaustive, but my forty-plus years of studying and working with intimate relationships has motivated me to share it.
Another interesting reality is that two people can be equally committed to one another while organising their marriage in completely different ways. For one couple, the marriage is primarily about the two of them — the man-woman marriage (which also applies to same-sex marriages). For another, the children become the centre of married life — the family marriage. Another couple may build their relationship around careers, while another finds security and comfort in the lifestyle they have created together. And where it gets interesting — and a source of relationship conflict — is when one person in the marriage desires the man-woman type and the other sees their marriage as child-centric. None of these arrangements is automatically healthy or unhealthy. They do require frequent conversation to see how the other party views their type of marriage. Yes, I'll say it again: name it to tame it.
Marriage becomes problematic when the couple is living according to a pattern that no longer reflects their needs, values or emotional reality. Sometimes the couple consciously chooses the arrangement. At other times, the pattern develops gradually through children, work, finances, family expectations, emotional distance or changing personal priorities.
Understanding the type of marriage you are living can therefore be remarkably helpful. It allows couples to stop arguing only about individual behaviours and begin asking a deeper question:
The following nine types provide a useful framework for that conversation.
Comparing the nine types
A quick-reference view of each type's centre of gravity, its underlying mindset and the question worth asking about it.
| Type | Core focus | Underlying mindset | Central question |
|---|---|---|---|
| 01 · Man-Woman | The couple relationship itself | Our relationship matters in its own right | Are we still choosing each other, rather than simply functioning beside each other? |
| 02 · Family | The family unit as a whole | We are a family, and what happens to one affects all | If our children were not in the room, would we still know how to connect? |
| 03 · Extended-Family | Relatives, tradition, collective belonging | Marriage connects two families, not just two individuals | Are our families supporting our marriage, or beginning to run it? |
| 04 · Career | Professional ambition and achievement | We understand what it means to build a meaningful professional life | How can we both grow without work becoming more important than the relationship? |
| 05 · Child-Centric | Children's development and daily needs | Our children need us, and being good parents matters most | Are we raising our children together while still building a marriage they can learn from? |
| 06 · Parallel | Two separate, independent lives | I can manage my life, and you can manage yours | Have we chosen independence, or drifted into emotional isolation? |
| 07 · Comfort & Convenience | Financial security, lifestyle, image | This relationship provides security, comfort and a life that for now works | If we removed the money, lifestyle and image, what would remain between us? |
| 08 · Open | Consensual intimacy beyond the couple | Exclusivity isn't required, provided we're honest and consensual | Are we both genuinely choosing this, and can we speak honestly about it? |
| 09 · Time-Out | A marriage in suspension | We can't continue as we were, but aren't yet ready to decide what's next | Are we using this time to understand our marriage, or just postponing a decision? |
No single marriage type is "correct." Most marriages often move between several of these types across a lifetime — the value of the table is in noticing which row currently describes your marriage, and whether that still fits. This article also doesn't discuss the role religion and spirituality play in pursuing a type of marriage, and it does not include "arranged marriage," which has multiple themes worth a future article of its own.
The Man-Woman Marriage (same-sex as well)
The man-woman marriage places the couple relationship at the centre. The primary focus is on the two partners and their identity as a couple, regardless of work, children or extended family. At its healthiest, there is a strong sense of "us." The partners continue to see one another not simply as parents, providers, housemates or co-managers, but as two people who deliberately chose each other.
MindsetChildren may be deeply loved, careers may be important and extended family may be valued, but the couple does not completely disappear into those responsibilities.
There is usually a belief that the marriage requires regular attention beyond the date night. These couples understand that intimacy rarely survives simply because two people love each other. It needs time, curiosity, affection, conversation, playfulness and shared experiences.
The mindset is not necessarily romantic all the time. Mature couples understand that love changes across decades. Passion may fluctuate, but companionship, respect, emotional safety and friendship can deepen. Behaviours of love toward one another are easily seen by others and each other.
BehavioursThese couples tend to make time for each other. They may have regular date nights, shared rituals, private conversations, holidays or activities that belong specifically to the couple.
They discuss decisions as partners rather than automatically allowing children, parents or careers to determine everything. They will seek advice from others usually as a team.
They also tend to protect some boundaries around the relationship. Extended family members may be loved and welcomed, but they do not automatically become decision-makers within the marriage.
A potential vulnerability occurs when the couple becomes too couple-focused and unintentionally neglects children, friendships or wider relationships.
The central strength of this marriage is its ability to maintain the couple bond across changing life circumstances. But it is also important to seek "me time" for personal growth and healing.
The Family Marriage
In the family marriage, the family is experienced as the central unit. The couple may travel together, eat together and organise much of their lives around being a family. The partners can gradually begin seeing each other primarily through their parental roles — one as "mother" and the other as "father."
MindsetThere is often considerable commitment to togetherness. Family meals, shared holidays, traditions, celebrations and routines become important. This creates a strong sense of belonging. The family identity can provide stability, especially when life feels uncertain. Partners may experience great satisfaction from building something larger than themselves.
The difficulty begins when family identity completely replaces couple identity.
A husband may gradually stop relating to his wife as his partner and primarily experience her as the mother of his children. Similarly, a wife may begin relating to her husband principally as the father or provider. The marriage can remain functional while emotional intimacy between the adults quietly diminishes.
BehavioursFamily marriages often involve extensive shared activities. Weekends revolve around family plans. Holidays are organised around everyone. Meals are eaten together. Decisions are made according to what is best for the family. The partners may rarely spend time alone together.
They may also use the phrase "the family" frequently when discussing decisions: "What does the family need?" or "What is best for the family?"
There is nothing inherently unhealthy about this. In fact, family cohesion can be enormously protective.
The clinical concern is whether the couple still has a private emotional relationship underneath the family structure. When the children eventually leave home, some couples discover that they have spent the past 18 summers being excellent parents but have forgotten how to be partners.
The Extended-Family Marriage
The extended-family marriage incorporates relatives — both close and distant — into the life of the marriage. This may include seeking advice from grandparents, regular extended-family gatherings, barbecues, holidays and significant involvement from relatives. For many cultures and families, this is not simply a relationship style; it is an important expression of belonging and passing down traditions.
MindsetFamily loyalty, respect for elders, tradition and collective responsibility can be highly valued. Partners may feel that decisions should take account of parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins and other relatives.
This can create enormous emotional richness. Children may grow up surrounded by grandparents, cousins and family traditions. Partners can receive practical and emotional support that would be difficult to create alone.
However, boundaries become particularly important. The potential difficulty occurs when extended family influence becomes greater than the couple's ability to make independent decisions. One partner may feel that their spouse automatically takes the side of their family. Another may feel like an outsider within the marriage.
BehavioursExtended-family marriages often involve frequent family gatherings, shared celebrations, holidays and regular communication with relatives. Family members may be consulted about important decisions involving finances, parenting, careers, housing or relationships. There may be strong expectations around family obligations.
A healthy version allows family involvement while maintaining a clear marital boundary: "We love our families, but we are responsible for our marriage." An unhealthy version can involve triangulation, where one partner brings a parent, sibling or other relative into marital disagreements.
Couples sometimes need to learn that setting boundaries is not the same as rejecting family. The goal is to create enough psychological space for the couple to function as adults who can make their own decisions.
The Career Marriage
The career marriage is organised significantly around the partners' professional aspirations. The couple may have children or not, and they may even work in similar industries — for example, two teachers marrying one another. This type of marriage can be highly collaborative because both partners understand the demands and rewards of professional life.
MindsetEach partner may admire the other's ambition, discipline and achievements.
There can be considerable mutual respect because both understand deadlines, long hours, professional pressure, responsibility and the desire to develop expertise.
The risk occurs when career achievement becomes the primary measure of personal worth.
The couple may become extremely successful externally while becoming emotionally disconnected privately. Another difficulty emerges when one person's career consistently receives priority while the other continually adapts, and resentment can develop even when both partners initially agreed to the arrangement.
BehavioursCareer marriages often involve extensive conversations about work, professional goals, networking, schedules and future opportunities. They see this as enhancing safety and security.
The couple may travel for work, attend professional events together or structure their lifestyle around career demands, and make significant financial decisions based on professional advancement.
In a healthy version, the partners actively support each other's growth while maintaining space for the relationship, celebrating accomplishments without turning the marriage into a competition.
The unhealthy version can become transactional: "Your career matters, therefore my career must matter equally." Real relationships rarely work that mathematically — there will be seasons when one person's career requires more attention, and the key is flexibility. Harmony over balance.
The Child-Centric Marriage
In the child-centric marriage, the development, care and wellbeing of the children become the organising principle of family life. It is not necessarily about being an overly controlling or "tiger" parent. Rather, the family calendar, priorities and routines revolve heavily around the children. Date nights may become rare, while children's schedules dominate daily life.
MindsetThis mindset can be deeply loving and responsible. Parents may invest enormous energy in education, activities, emotional development, health, friendships and opportunities for their children.
The problem arises when parenting becomes so dominant that the adult-romantic relationship is treated as secondary.
Couples can unintentionally convince themselves: "We will focus on us when the children are older." The difficulty is that "later" can remain permanently postponed.
BehavioursThe family calendar may revolve around school, sports, tutoring, music, appointments, social activities and children's commitments. Date nights are rarely seen.
Conversations between partners can become almost entirely logistical — who is picking her up, whether the school fee was paid, what time practice starts, what the plan is for the weekend.
The couple may spend enormous amounts of time together physically while spending very little time connecting emotionally. Intimacy can become something that happens only when circumstances allow.
A healthier version of this marriage recognises that protecting the couple relationship is also beneficial to the children. Children learn about relationships partly by observing how their parents communicate, repair disagreements, show affection and respect one another.
The objective is not to put the couple before the children's legitimate needs — it is to remember that there are two relationships to care for: the parent-child relationship and the adult partnership.
The Parallel Marriage
In a parallel marriage, each partner has their own life. They may come together for particular events or responsibilities, but each person tends to prioritise their own journey, with the marriage receiving secondary consideration. This marriage can look surprisingly functional from the outside. The household runs, bills are paid, children may be cared for, and social obligations are met. But underneath, the partners may increasingly be living separate lives.
MindsetIndependence may be highly valued. Sometimes this is deliberate — two people genuinely enjoy autonomy and do not need constant togetherness. Collective decision-making is often rare.
At other times, parallel living develops after years of unresolved conflict, disappointment or emotional disconnection. The partners may have stopped expecting much from each other.
That can feel peaceful because there is less conflict. But absence of conflict is not necessarily presence of intimacy. Remember, conflict is often a conversation that hasn't happened yet — or one left incomplete because of disagreement, misunderstanding, or both.
BehavioursEach partner may have separate friendships, hobbies, social activities and routines — eating separately, sleeping at different times, taking separate holidays or spending considerable time outside the home.
Communication may focus primarily on practical matters. They can become excellent housemates but poor emotional partners. Intimacy is often based on a perceived duty rather than an emotional need.
Sometimes the couple reunites for family celebrations, social occasions or major decisions, giving the impression of closeness. The deeper issue is whether there is still curiosity about one another's inner world. Couples need to show curiosity about the other.
A parallel marriage does not necessarily need to become highly enmeshed — healthy autonomy is valuable. The question is whether independence has become emotional isolation.
The Convenience and Comfort Marriage
The convenience and comfort marriage is organised significantly around financial security, lifestyle, social comfort and maintaining a public image. These marriages can be remarkably stable. Stability, however, is not the same thing as emotional intimacy. Many believe this is a performative marriage.
MindsetThere may be genuine appreciation between the partners. They may enjoy their home, financial circumstances, social position, shared friendships and lifestyle, and the marriage may provide structure and predictability.
The difficulty occurs when comfort replaces connection. Partners may stay because leaving would be financially difficult, socially embarrassing or disruptive to the lifestyle they have created.
Sometimes neither partner is particularly unhappy. They simply may not be deeply connected.
BehavioursThe couple may maintain appearances carefully — attending social functions together, presenting a united public image and maintaining the household efficiently, while sharing finances, property, possessions and social networks.
Communication can become practical and courteous rather than emotionally intimate, with relatively little curiosity about fears, dreams, vulnerabilities or personal growth.
A particularly important distinction is between contentment and avoidance. Contentment says, "We have created a life we genuinely value." Avoidance says, "We don't talk about what is missing or our conflicts in general because doing so might threaten the life we have."
The latter can create emotional loneliness inside a very comfortable marriage. Therapy can help couples determine whether their comfort is supported by genuine attachment, or whether comfort has become the reason they avoid difficult truths.
The Open Marriage
In an open marriage, the couple has agreed that other people may have a place in their lives for particular intimacy needs. This framework distinguishes between a polyamorous open marriage, where love may be shared with more than one person, and a sexually open marriage, where the primary focus is sexual relationships inside and outside the marriage. This is fundamentally different from infidelity because the defining feature is explicit agreement and consent between the partners.
MindsetFor some couples, this arrangement reflects their own values and understanding of intimacy. For others, it may emerge after extensive discussion about sexuality, autonomy, identity or unmet needs.
The psychological foundation must be honesty, trust, safety and security. Without these elements, an open relationship can quickly become secrecy disguised as openness.
BehavioursHealthy consensual non-monogamous arrangements generally require extensive communication. Partners may discuss boundaries, safer-sex practices, emotional expectations, disclosure, time commitments, jealousy and what information they want or do not want to share.
Jealousy does not necessarily disappear simply because the relationship is open. Couples may need particularly strong emotional communication to navigate feelings of comparison, insecurity, fear of replacement or unequal attachment.
The greatest danger is not necessarily the presence of another person. It is ambiguity, coercion or dishonesty. If one partner reluctantly agrees because they fear losing the relationship, the arrangement is not genuinely consensual in the meaningful psychological sense.
An open marriage therefore requires considerable emotional maturity. Open marriages do not always include physical intimacy — sexual or sensual behaviours — but often do.
The Time-Out Marriage
The time-out marriage describes a couple who remain legally married but are living apart — or may even remain under the same roof — while the future of the marriage is uncertain. It is essentially a marriage in suspension. A time-out marriage is not to be confused with a "legal separation," but many believe that could be the next step.
MindsetA time-out can develop after severe conflict, emotional exhaustion, betrayal, major life changes or prolonged disconnection. Sometimes couples adopt this marriage type as a means to save the marriage.
Importantly, separation does not automatically mean the marriage is over. Sometimes physical or emotional distance allows two people to calm their nervous systems, think more clearly and understand what they actually want. But indefinite uncertainty can also become psychologically exhausting.
BehavioursPartners may live in separate bedrooms or separate homes, reduce communication to practical matters, and establish temporary agreements about children, finances, contact or social events.
Some couples use the separation constructively — entering counselling, reflecting individually and deliberately exploring whether the relationship can be rebuilt. Others remain in limbo, neither repairing the relationship nor formally ending it. This can create a strange emotional state in which both partners are simultaneously attached and detached.
A productive time-out needs some degree of structure and purpose. The couple does not necessarily need to know the final outcome immediately, but they benefit from knowing what they are trying to understand: whether they want to repair the marriage, what needs to change if they are going to come back together, and what would tell them that reconciliation is not realistic.
A time-out is most useful when it creates space for clarity rather than becoming an indefinite waiting room.
Bringing the nine types together
After working with couples for many years, I would encourage couples not to ask, "Which type of marriage are we?" — as though they must choose one box.
Instead, ask, "Which type of marriage have we gradually created?" and then, "Is this still the marriage we want?"
A couple might begin with a strong Man-Woman Marriage, become predominantly Family after having children, move into a Child-Centric Marriage during the school years, become more Career-focused during professional development, and later experience a Parallel Marriage when the children leave home. In short, marriage can be fluid.
Another couple may have a strong Extended-Family Marriage while simultaneously having a highly career-oriented relationship. The categories can also overlap. The deeper issue is not the label. It is awareness. Communicating with each other about their needs in the now, as well as sharing future aspirations, enhances clarity and reduces conflict.
Every marriage creates an ecosystem of priorities. What receives time receives attention. What receives attention tends to grow. Over the years, couples who spend time with me for a "marriage tune-up" come to see the sessions as learning about relationship wellness instead of fixing relationship problems. This kind of attention — through marriage tune-up sessions — produces several tangible benefits: clarity of values, individual and relationship goals, financial planning, personal and professional development plans, and wellness strategies.
If the children receive 90 percent of the couple's emotional energy, the marriage will feel different from one in which the couple deliberately protects substantial time for their relationship. If careers dominate every conversation, the marriage develops a different emotional culture. If extended family dominates decision-making, the boundaries of the couple become different. If both partners live completely separate lives, the marriage develops a different form of intimacy. And if the couple has entered a time-out, the relationship may be asking for something fundamentally different: clarity.
When I look at these nine archetypes, I don't see "good" or "bad" marriages. I see how a couple can gain insight into the behaviours and mindsets that represent what matters to each of them in an intimate relationship. Every system has its strengths and opportunities, its inherent weaknesses and challenges, and its maintenance requirements. If you and your partner aren't consciously choosing your system, you are defaulting to one by unconscious habit or by another person's influence — and that is where resentment can eventually arise.
As my research and clinical practice have shown, marriage stays alive and healthy not because change doesn't happen, but because the couple learns to move through change together — whether both are changing or just one — rather than in parallel. The core takeaway: couples who treat change as a shared project, communicated, coordinated and emotionally supported, maintain stronger intimate connection and higher satisfaction.
The four questions I would ask any couple
Whatever type of marriage you recognise, I would encourage both partners to sit together and answer these four questions honestly.
What currently receives most of your energy?
Being mindful of not only time management in marriage is important, but probably more importantly is energy management.
- each other?
- children?
- careers?
- extended family?
- finances?
- individual interests?
- maintaining stability?
- simply getting through the week?
What receives too little attention?
Sometimes the most important part of the marriage is not what is happening. It is what has gradually disappeared.
- Affection
- Sexual intimacy
- Friendship
- Play
- Conversation
- Curiosity
- Shared dreams
Are you both choosing this arrangement?
A marriage can function for years on autopilot. But there is an enormous psychological difference between the two:
"This is how we want to live."
- It is our own voice
- We have agency and ownership
- Perspective and tolerance are part of the journey, not perfection and single-mindedness
"This is simply how our lives turned out."
- We did not have a sense of empowerment
- External voices and influences led us here
- Fear held us back
What marriage do we want to create next?
This may be the most important question of all. Marriage is not static. People change. Children grow. Careers change. Parents age. Health changes. Financial circumstances change. Values evolve. The marriage will change and evolve as naturally as humans do.
The healthiest couples I have encountered are not necessarily those who have avoided difficult periods. They are couples who have remained willing to look at the relationship honestly and renegotiate how they want to live together.
The ultimate goal is not to have a perfect marriage. It is to have a marriage that is conscious rather than accidental.
Because once a couple can name the marriage style they have — and see their opportunities for growth and flourishing — they gain something extremely valuable: